Monday, March 14, 2016

Minors...Oh Minors

I've had some people ask for specific stories and I will give them to you in as much detail as possible depending on circumstances.  These are experiences I could not make up if I tried...

We recently had a big concert night at our dance hall and minors were admitted.  Early in the evening things were going smoothly and I was roaming about my section, talking to patrons and just keeping an eye on things.  People started coming in around 8:00 PM in an effort to get good seats for the show.  

As you might have seen in my first post, our door guys seriously marked up the minors hands and, as you can imagine...they were NOT happy about it.  My partner was another male bouncer in the section and he stuck pretty close to the bathrooms keeping an eye on people's hands.  

9:15 PM - Two cranky male minors almost hit my partner in the face, shoving their hands in his face to show they hadn't washed the Xs off.  I can understand being grumpy, but it was totally uncalled for and it was only 9:15.  They continued to mouth off and act aggressive and entitled and it wasn't long before they were escorted out.  Must suck to pay that much to get in to see a concert only to be kicked out before the show ever started...but that's what you get for being a jerk.  

Sorry, not sorry.  I can only imagine how much worse it would have been later in the evening.

9:30 PM - At about this time, I just post up in the women's restroom to consistently supervise the sinks.  This is where the name Powder Room Bouncer comes from.  As I stood there making pleasant conversation, a group of 4 girls (3 minors and 1 of-age) come around the corner.  All smiles and full of purpose...that is until they saw me.  One of them just leaned against the opposite wall and literally tried to stare me down, hoping her laser vision would vaporize me so she could wash those nasty Xs off.  (Bad move homeslice....that is a fight I will always win).  Her companions each went into stalls and came out to wash their hands as she stood there and glared at me with all of the hatred a minor in a bar could possess.  As I'm standing there, I see her of-age friend pick off her wrist band (indicating her eligibility to drink)  and try to hand it to the minor.  The whole time the minor never breaks eye contact with me and she makes no move to accept the wrist band.  Finally the of-age girl follows the minors line of sight and sees me standing there watching them.  The other two girls come out, one washes her hands the other doesn't (GROSS) and they all move towards the hand dryers.  Other patrons are washing their hands as one of the minors declares loudly (loud enough to be heard over the dryers) that she would have tried to wash her Xs off, had I not been standing there. (REALLY?!?! You thought that was a good idea?) Everyone else in the bathroom turns to look at me.  After a well earned eye-roll I walk up to them.   Defeat immediately fills their faces as they turn to walk out, knowing I am right behind them.  I inform the head of security what just happened so he can deal with them.  Sorry girls!!  Hope you have a great night at the next bar you try to get into not watching the concert you paid so much money to see.

10:00 PM - Bathroom duty isn't nearly as boring as some would think.  Several ladies strike up friendly conversation and I met some really nice women (minors and of-age).  But for every pleasant and mature individual I chat with, there is a pouting minor.  All night, I have just been crushing their hopes and dreams with nothing more than my silent presence.  About every 20 minutes, when I had a fresh group of minors in the bathroom, I announce that while I REALLY do appreciate aggressive hygiene, they should know that if their Xs get too light, I will have to re-mark them.  This elicits an immediate chorus of responses from all present minors that they aren't actually trying to wash them off.  With a smile and kind voice I acknowledge that fact and encourage them to have a great evening and to enjoy the show for me.  

I'm just planting seeds, little chick-lets, that you are being watched and we really do want you to have fun and enjoy the show...but I'm not risking your safety, my job, or the bar closing down just because you think rules don't apply to you.

10:30 PM - Despite my consistent presence and engaging behavior, some of the minors still attempt to peel the skin off the back of their hands in an effort to remove the Xs.  Sorry ladies...dry those hands up and let me re-mark them.  I wish I could read minds.  I wonder how many names I got called that night....

The fun part of the bathroom station is that this is a country bar, and a country show, and there are lots of beautiful and well put together women here and boy oh boy do these girls have great taste.  Not gonna lie, I was totally boot shopping.  A line of bathroom stalls all full and all I can see are some of the cutest damn boots in this half of Texas.  

10:45 - The alcohol is really starting to kick in.  I haven't left the bathroom since 9:30, but I can tell it must be a hell of a party out there.  Eyes that were earlier bright and sparkly with fresh eye shadow on are now a bit droopy.  Eye contact and smiles are a bit delayed, but still friendly!! (and really that's what matters)  We are now entering the first serious wave of make-up re-application.  It's really impressive how many cosmetics these girls can fit in their tiny little pants pockets, or the small clutch, or in some cases, their bras.  

Not gonna lie, I'm a little jealous of girls who can really hide things in their bra.  That must be so convenient to not have to carry a purse.  I knew a woman in my home town who carried EVERYTHING in her bra, including her concealed handgun, but that's another story.

11:45 - So far the ladies room has been doing great.  Only a few issues earlier in the evening but all of these beautiful ladies have just been coming and going, refreshing their make-up and being quite pleasant.  People are obviously having a good time, but no one is getting sick or making messes, which is great, for them and for me.  From what I'm hearing on the radio though...the men's room isn't having such good luck.  That's the difference between boys and girls, I suppose.  

Midnight - I finally get to emerge from the bathroom and join the rest of the party! YAY!!  Our boss starts to shift the staff around in anticipation of the show ending.  When the concert ends....the main pack of people crowded up against the stage will move towards the dance floor and we try to be as present and ready as possible for whatever might happen when a dense crowd of drunk people start to move.  The energy of the crowd was intense.  I've been to a lot of concerts and up in the midst of them by the stage, but this was a little different.   It was hot, eyes were starting to glaze over and these people's bodies have been blasted by the base for a couple hours now.  But as the show ended, everyone transitioned smoothly.  

I did have to escort one male out.  He was just done.  His friends agreed that it was time for them to go, and were also trying to get the guy to leave.  I gently guided him towards the door and he was clearly upset that he was being told to leave, but in his drunkenness was VERY confused about how to resist a female bouncer taking him out.  I could read on his forehead that he was unhappy about it, but was conflicted about whether or not he should flirt and this was fun, or if this really did suck and he was getting kicked out, and he wasn't sure whether or not to be offended by it.  Had a larger male bouncer tried to escort him out, I feel there would have been a struggle.  But because it was me, nice and sweet, while he still protested, he went along.  Have a great night boys.  Get home safe and come back and see us again tomorrow!!

1:00 AM - The fantastic combination of bump and grind music with people with diminished inhibitions proves to be great entertainment.  I love to see people having a good time and as long as everyone is happy and having fun and being respectful then all is well.  This is how the rest of the night progressed.  The whole night passed with out incident other than the occasional person escorted out because they'd simply had too much fun, but these too passed without major objection or complaint.

When it's all said and done, the Merch man was kind enough to hold back a shirt for me.  I'm a big fan of the band and I believe in supporting up and coming music by buying merchandise. And besides, I'm not sure where the magical land is located that produced that fabric they make the shirts with...but there is nothing softer!!!  I got my shirt (at a discount no less! What What!!!)  and the night ended quietly.  

Band - Thanks for the great show.  I'm glad I got to see at least part of it.
Minors - Thanks for giving me something to giggle about while you failed to control your facial expressions all night.  
Women in general - you were gorgeous and on point tonight ladies!!  Keep being awesome.
Men - y'all could use some work to catch up to these ladies.  nah I'm just kidding most of the guys were great too.

Come back and see us!

Xs & Os


Saturday, March 12, 2016

In the Beginning

So you might be wondering what exactly is a Powder Room Bouncer.  It is exactly what it sounds like.  It's a bouncer who mostly stands in the women's restroom.

Why would anyone do such a thing?

That, my friend, is a valid question.  I, a lady, recently picked up a second job as a bouncer in a West Texas dance hall.  You people not from Texas might have heard of them referred to as "honkey tonks" but seriously, no one from here, or that has lived since 1988 has called them that.

It's a curious thing apparently, to be a "lady bouncer" out here in West Texas.  To me it seems as very logical and most people that I have discussed it with have agreed that, in general, it makes perfect sense.  So here are the facts to support my argument...

1. When alcohol is consumed, "acting a fool" is a HUMAN reaction.

Alcohol is blind.  It does not see any of the things that supposedly makes us "different."  Alcohol does not see race or ethnicity. Alcohol does not see nationality.  Alcohol does not see sexual preference. Alcohol does not see a redneck, a hillbilly, or a city person and alcohol certainly doesn't see gender.  Women can, and will, get just as crazy as a man will...and they will do it in the women's restroom, that sacred safe-haven off limits to men.  Of course male Security and/or male Staff members can technically go into the dangerous cave of estrogen if it is absolutely required to maintain the safety of patrons...but there are some hoops they have to jump through and all manner of risks involved.

I get to just waltz right in there, literally.  I love to waltz.

2. Minor females... ('nuff said, right?)

Young Ladies, while I'm sure in your own way you are each bright and brilliant....going strait to the bathroom once you are admitted in an attempt to wash the Xs off your hands isn't one of your smartest moves...

Normally, this isn't an issue for us.  Our venue is more of a live concert venue/bar/dancehall.  We do not typically allow 18+.  However some of our contracts with bands require that we admit the young'uns.  I'm not sure who is marking these young adults at the front door, but they take their job seriously, and for that, I give them two thumbs up.

Normally, I get to move around a fair bit.  But, on these 18+ nights, for the first half of the night, I pretty much just stand in the bathroom and watch girls wash their hands.  Creepy, right?
But I get to see some of the most hysterical things and I have started live-tweeting them as I see them.   (@KenzieBlye #PowderRoomBouncer) Ladies, don't get me wrong.  I appreciate and encourage AGGRESSIVE hygiene after using the bathroom, especially a public one.  That being said, I'm still going to have to remark your hands.  

womp womp :-(

I should be ashamed of the amount of pleasure I get from seeing the looks on their faces though.  They come around the corner of the bathroom all smiles and filled with purpose and hope, thinking they are about to wash those nasty Xs right off.  And then they look up and make eye contact with me and you'd think they walked into a glass wall.  Stutter steps and frowns.  I wish I could take pictures of it, but here is an adequate visual for you...


3. My small "delicate" presence does not challenge the male ego.

Make no mistake, I am well trained and I can handle myself.  The term "dynamite comes in small packages" totally applies to me.  But being a bouncer is not like the movie Roadhouse.  As my mom has said, "You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar."  And, this is West Texas.  Even drunk and highly intoxicated, most of these guys will not put their hands on a woman.  That doesn't mean it isn't possible, but generally speaking it's not their first reaction.  How much nicer is it, when you've had WAY too much to drink to be sweetly and politely walked out by a pretty little girl, as opposed to being told by some large mean looking man, that you have to go...NOW?

I don't know what it is about alcohol and men, but put those two together and a guy sees your traditional large, mean mugging male bouncer and they brilliantly think...I'm gonna fight THAT guy right there.  Bad idea sir.  But put man+alcohol and a pretty female bouncer all together and, generally, the reaction is "OMG SHES TALKING TO ME!!!! I'LL DO WHATEVER I HAVE TO TO KEEP THIS GOING!!" And before you know it, we are all at the front door and out they go.  It's not always like that, but you get the point.

So stay tuned as I continue to write about my very special experience as a lady bouncer in a country dance hall.  Follow me on Twitter @KenzieBlye and look for #PowderRoomBouncer to live the shenanigans right along with me!! The Lady's Room is a very special place and this is your opportunity to experience the sober hysteria of it.  

Xs & Os